Struggling with the mental load of motherhood?
Being a mother can be amazing. But it can also be really tough. Juggling kids, relationships, domestic life, career issues or running a business. The mental load of motherhood. It’s a lot!
If you find your are struggling to manage everything then you are definitely not alone. Women are still expected to take on the bulk of childcare and domestic chores. But unlike previous generations, we have less family support and greater expectations. That we will also be holding down careers or running our own businesses. Even if you aren’t working that doesn’t necessarily ease the burden. Stay at home mums are more likely to be doing all of the domestic work and childcare. Even during the hours their partner is home.
What is the mental load?
The mental load of motherhood is the invisible work that women take on, and are expected to take on. Often relating to domestic chores and childcare. It is the management of the household and children. The thinking about and knowing everything that needs to be done. The constant worry and load of having to be responsible for making sure it all gets done.
Even if you and your partner split all chores completely 50/50 there is a very good chance that as a woman you are still the one carrying the mental load. The mental load is the never ending ‘to do’ list that is running in your head. The responsibility of being the one who knows exactly what needs to be done. The on who does, or delegates, the tasks that need to be carried out. The one who ensures that everything is done correctly.
This explanation from a recent report on the mental load from the Bright Horizons really sums it up:
A child’s school day isn’t just about the physical jobs of pickup and drop-off. It’s also about the perpetual mental awareness of schedules including early release days, carpools, doctors’ appointments, play dates, special events, field trips, class parties, science fairs, who needs to bring what, and which day requires special supplies. And those are only some of the items on the family list that require a working mother’s constant mental presence. The mind share versus time share equation is at the heart of the mental load—the requirement on women to be not just parents and caretakers but also unofficial keepers of where the entire family needs to be and when and perpetual guardians against anything falling through the cracks.
Why not just ask your partner for help?
This is a question many women are asked. The issue is that having to ask for help is actually a symptom of the mental load. When a partner asks ‘why didn’t you just ask me to help?’ they are putting the responsibility on you to know what needs to be done and tell them what to do. Your partner might do lots of washing. But if they expect you to be the one who knows when the washing pods are about to run out and magically replace them… They aren’t taking any responsibility for the management side of domestic life.
Women need their partners to be partners in carrying the mental load. Not just ’employees’ who do what their told!
Changing this can be hard and this is where some therapeutic coaching can come in very helpful!
How can therapeutic coaching help me?
With therapeutic coaching we can look at how the mental load is affecting you. What we can do to ease the burden and how you can advocate for yourself with your partner. Many women find their partners defensive when the topic of the mental load comes up. So having tools for talking to them about what you need can be helpful.
With coaching we will be talking through any issues, finding the root of why you do the things you do, taking a pause for you. Helping you to know what you need and how to get what you want.
During coaching we look at all aspects of your life and what you want your future to look like. What is on your plate and what can you take off it? As your coach I help to support changes you want to make and help you to create the life you want to live.
Contact me to book in for a chat and to see how therapeutic coaching can help you.